


i promise you it's real

by orphan_account



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Adoption, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Anxiety, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Illness, New School, Orphanage, Past Child Abuse, Romance, did
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-12-27 11:04:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12079794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Daniel Howell is just one seventeen year old boy with curly hair and dimples that never show and deep brown eyes and he’s just one boy that’s trying to get through life and his new school in America and he’s just one boy with Dissociative Identity Disorder.He moved to America for a fresh start because he fucked it up at his last school and his parents need to get him the proper help he needs because somehow his fucked up brain has gone unnoticed for the past 13 years. It’s been this way since as far back as he can remember and all Dan wants is to be normal, to be himself and to remember what he did those nine times he blacked out these past two days and he wants to have friends and go to parties and he just wants to be fucking happy. He can’t, and he knows that, so he goes for the next best thing: a new start.





	1. i promise standing up for yourself isn't uncool.

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Please read this before starting to read- I've gotten a few complaints in regards to writing a fanfiction involving DID and how it romanticizes the illness- that is the exact opposite of what I'm doing!! My goal in writing this is to make a story that spreads awareness over DID and make this as accurate as possible. I've done loads and loads of research, have even reached out to people online with this disorder in order to depict this illness as correctly as I possibly can! This story is less of a romance and more of Dan's journey in seeking help when he first discovers that maybe what he's going through isn't normal. I'm terribly sorry if this has caused confusion, but my intentions are to spread awareness and I have gone to any means possible to not have anything that can be misinterpreted and help blow down the stigma around DID. 
> 
> Also, there is a small spoiler here but this is here to prevent further misinterpretation- Dan does not pass out near the end due to switching. Adding on to that, the alter that takes over is not "evil", but is actually a defensive protector, as touching his shoulder is one of Dan's triggers. Thank you for understanding! 
> 
> \--x--x--x--x--
> 
>  
> 
> oh, wow, this is a thing. chaptered because it takes me literal Years to write a oneshot. Even though it also takes me years to write chaptered stories ha  
> anyways this is my first phanfiction that i've posted so pls be kind im just a smol child that craves validation and also this sucks im sorry there are so many run on sentences hjds;vkfvjdf;
> 
> anyways part 2, i'm sorry if this illness is not depicted as accurately as it could be. i have done loads of research prior to writing, and i have done my absolute best to get this as realistic as possible. i do not have direct experience with DID and i am terribly sorry if it shows! pls send me a message if there is something Very Wrong with how i wrote this and i will do my best to fix it! 
> 
> anyways(prt 3) if ur more of a wattpad peep I'll probably post this on there soon!  
> Mayybeeeee i'll also post it on tumblr at some point but i think that is the scariest place for me to do that so i will stay on here nd wattpad later and then maybe tumblr for now. maybe i'll post it on tumblr and wattpad later tho if enough ppl want me to! 
> 
> thank u so much!! enjoy~  
> (pls know i am absolute garbage and i've just written this as if i were texting but i promise you the story itself has good spelling/ punctuation/ grammar and the title is not capitalized on purpose jrfljvriljiv)  
> (also follow my tumblr @phan-xiety or phan-xiety.tumblr.com [#spon])

“Hello there, my name is Lexi, it’s nice to meet you. What’s your name?” The woman had the brightest smile Dan had ever seen. He looked up at her cautiously.

“...Dan.” He didn’t smile or laugh or look her in the eye for longer than a second. That was not appropriate.

“Dan. I like that name. Is it short for Daniel?” His head snapped up and he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Don’t call me that!” This was the last thing he heard before his vision went black. He was sure that it wasn’t him who had said it.

\--

There was a knock, and then another and one more before the door burst open. Dan groaned because he hated when people entered his room without permission, but, even more, he hated that he had been woken up. He rolled over onto his other side, his back now to the door, snuggling into his pillow further and ignoring the person who had interrupted his sleep.

“Dan,” the person called firmly. He turned his head and caught a glimpse of his mother, Venus, in the corner of his eye. She looked anything but happy and Dan knew immediately why; he didn’t need time to remember that today was the day, he didn’t need to look around his empty room to remember that this was the last day that he would be here. He sighed and sat up on his bed with the little strength he could muster.

“I… I don’t want to.” Venus hadn’t even spoken and words began to spew out of his mouth at the fastest rate he could go. “Mom, I don’t want to leave here because it’s where all of my memories are and I swear I won’t cause any trouble for you anymore, just let me transfer schools or something because I absolutely don’t want to go and-”

“Dan.” Her voice was weak and quiet but it didn’t have to be strong to shut him up because Dan could hear the desperation in her voice and that was enough, it was all that was ever needed. Dan sighed and looked down at his lap. He nodded sadly and stood, stretching out his cramped back and arms as quickly as he could, which was pretty quick because he was used to these morning cramps. Surely, one thing he would not miss was this bed.

His mother walked out of the room as Dan walked over to a pair of clothes that he had set out on his barren desk the day before. He hated the way his stomach twisted at the sight of nothing. The sight of emptiness and hollowness and it was as if he would disappear and everything would be exactly the same except he wasn’t there, not him or any memory of who he was.

He quickly entered the bathroom.

\--

He was flying, with clouds surrounding him and a cool breeze hitting his face and blowing back his hair and the blue sky was the most relaxing thing he’d ever seen. He was alone, for that was how he liked it, and he was soaring through the sky like a bird and when he tried to look down at the ground below him, all he saw was more blue and more blue. There was no end. And it relaxed him to know that he would be this way forever, because flying through the breeze so calmly and seeing no one else at all filled him with a huge sense of relief because Dan doesn’t need other people.

He woke up with his head leaning against the window that showcased the dark nothingness that was the night sky.

He turned his head as quickly as he could. He hated the night sky. A lot of people said looking at the stars was so enchanting and that it would change your life, but the thought of the stars sickened him and he wanted to throw up at that moment but instead he closed his eyes tightly and tried to sleep.

He did end up falling asleep, though it was restless and he tossed and turned because now he dreamt about being lost and forgotten in the night sky. Nobody would find him and he tossed to one side because maybe there was light there, but there wasn’t and he turned to the other but all he saw was black.

Venus watched him though all of his tosses. She watched sadly as he whimpered quietly, quiet enough that one wouldn’t hear him if they hadn’t been looking out for it. She turned away from him and took a glance at the other passengers of the plane. Most of them were sleeping peacefully and she looked back at Dan, hoping that what she saw was an illusion because, after all, she was getting old, but no, there he was sweating and turning and tossing and whining and she watched a tear slip out of his eye.

She looked away then because he would not wake up for another hour or so, there was no point in watching him. She had tried before, though she never had any idea what he must have dreamt about but every time he went to sleep with a vision of the night sky fresh in his mind, he had nightmares and would not wake up.

Dan’s mother had begun to have nightmares, too, about death and Dan and Dan’s death and all she remembered the moment she woke was Dan’s face. His face that seemed as though it wasn’t his.

\--

Dan’s first day of school approached quicker than he had time to think. His mother hadn’t had time to search up doctors that could help Dan and he was stuck not knowing what was wrong with him for a while longer.

He got ready as slow as he could. He put on a black sweater as it was January and the outside air was cold, though it was Arizona and it wasn’t as cold as his home was.

As soon as those thoughts entered his brain, he stopped. He didn’t live in England anymore, it had been a month since he had moved and this was his home now, he’s been here for a month, yet he’s still not used to how the ceilings are sort of low and how his house is sort of ugly and shaped like a box, how there aren’t as many stairs in this house and how he hasn’t blacked out a single time this past month.

It was strange, and it wasn’t bad in any way but it weirded Dan out. For one, his mother didn’t know all of what was happening. He didn’t tell her and she didn’t pry.

Dan told her that he needed help, that something was wrong because there were times he couldn’t remember anything and times when his head was foggy and times he did things unlike him. That was all he told her and she nodded because it seemed that she had thought the same thing. She promised him she would look for help and look for doctors without questioning him further, but he ruined everything before she had a chance to.

So, they moved, but this house was just not his. He wasn’t used to being aware of his every action and he wasn’t used to this house or how not-cold Arizona was or how the trees in the back yard covered his view from the sky. In some ways, he appreciated that.

But still, the sun shone through the leaves of the tall tree and into his bedroom the morning of his first day of school in America. Maybe it was the nerves or his body telling him to get up, but he awoke before his alarm went off and sighed deeply.

A shower and a bowl of cereal later, he was sitting on his couch, waiting for his mother to get ready because she would be taking him to school. It was close enough that he could walk, but also far enough that his breath hitched just a bit once he had arrived. He didn’t feel like walking, so he accepted his mother’s offer, though he knew he would have to walk soon, as his mother was looking for a job (along with a doctor).

Soon Venus was walking out of the door, followed by Dan and his curly brown hair and black skinny jeans and his heart was thumping. He slumped against the car seat as the engine came to life and without hesitation, his mother began to drive.

\--

“Oh, you’re new. Okay, Dan-”

“Dan is fine, uh…” He interrupted the teacher before she was able to read out his full name because the same thing always happened when someone said Daniel.

“Dan Howell. Got it. There are a few empty seats, why don’t you sit… there, near the middle next to Connor. Just,” she paused and Dan looked in the direction she was pointing, but it was hard to tell where she was pointing because of the overwhelming amount of desks. “Connor!” she called out loudly, and the loud chattering stopped quickly. A boy with wavy brown hair looked up and towards Dan, and he quickly looked down. “You can sit next to him.” Dan nodded quietly and awkwardly, glancing up to look at his classmates once before setting his gaze back onto the floor.

There was a long pause as Dan guided his way towards his seat and when he sat down the murmuring began again.

“Yeah, uh, we have a new student, Dan there. From England, be kind to him and… yeah. So, everyone please get out your agendas. I’m coming around to stamp.”

Dan sat stiffly in his seat and leaned down to reach into his backpack for his agenda which he had received a few weeks prior, when he had received his class schedule and student ID. It sort of surprised him that the school was this organized, his last school was chaos and not much was ever done in classes to begin with.

As the teacher stopped at every desk to stamp the agendas, there was a tap on his desk. Dan looked up at the girl who had turned around in her seat to look at him.

“Hey,” she said, giving him a lazy smile.

“Uh, hi…” his voice trailed off and the girls eyes brightened.

“I’m Shirlyn, and I heard your name was Dan. What school did you come from? I know, like, all of the schools in this area.” Dan paused.

“Uh, I’m actually from England, so I went to school there. I mean, obviously, it’s not like I flew here every morning and back afterwards. I mean, uh… I went to school in England.” Shirlyn laughed loudly and Dan just furrowed his eyebrows; he had never met a girl like her before. Well, to be fair, he’s never really talked to any girls before, or anyone at all, so he wasn’t really sure how he was supposed to be acting in this sort of situation. Despite that, Dan frowned in confusion. There wasn’t much of a reason for her to be speaking to him, unless it was pure curiosity, because there’s always plenty of that, and besides, he is from a different country, so maybe he was of general interest.

“I can tell, your accent is very clear. It’s kind of strange, but there are, like, ten students here that are British and they all have those accents and I’ve never seen a school with this many British people, honestly.” Dan looked at her closely before deciding if he should speak or not because she was sort of a rambler and if she engaged in an actual conversation with Dan he really wouldn’t know what to say. He’s not much of a people person.

Before he could decide, the boy beside him, Connor, tapped her shoulder after glancing at Dan and seeing his uncomfortable state. Connor began speaking to her, and all of the attention previously on him was gone. Dan sighed thankfully and gave Connor, who was looking at him from the corner of his eye, a small smile.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe, he’d be himself the entire day, even, and maybe he wouldn’t have as many problems with the school as he thought he’d have.

\--

The two electives Dan had chosen for his first semester were music and art. More specifically, piano and pencil drawing. He had always liked both of these things, though he didn’t think himself to be very talented. They were still two things he enjoyed and it seemed to him that they would lessen stress for the day.

As it turned out, art did the exact opposite.

Being new, he was the object of everyone’s attention, and it seemed sort of odd because at his old school it wasn’t a big deal, they got new students dozens of times. This school was smaller, though, and that meant there weren’t many new students, especially ones that came from a different country.

Dan had learned that as Shirlyn said, there were quite a bit of students that were British. Though none of them had entered the school year halfway in, it seemed, so Dan had to deal with a bit of staring which he hoped he would get used to.

In art class, he was assigned a table to sit at, with a group of three others. He wasn’t a social person, to say the least, but it seemed art class was themed around groups.

One boy, who sat at the table to the left of Dan’s, seemed to notice that Dan was looking a bit off. He repeatedly rubbed his eyes and his eyes seemed to close every so often. Dan felt tired and his head was beginning to turn foggy, which was an all too familiar feeling and he just hoped that he wouldn’t black out, not today. There was low mumbling in his head that seemed to drown out most other noises and he could hear someone speaking in his head but he couldn’t make out their words, all he heard was noise.

“Hey, Dan,” the boy that sat in front of him called out his name. Dan forced his eyes open and looked at the boy with dyed white hair and glasses sitting in front of him.

“Uh-”

“Maybe you shouldn’t sleep in class.” The boy took a pencil in his hand and stretched his arm towards Dan. “I’m Tyler. Go sharpen this for me, will you?” Dan shook his head to get rid of the dreariness and looked at the pencil in Tyler’s hand. He looked up at the boy and the most bizarre word came out of his mouth.

“No.”

The word left his mouth naturally and Dan couldn’t believe he had just said it. He was just about to take the pencil when he suddenly spoke, but it wasn’t him and he didn’t know what was going on.

Tyler frowned, and then a crazy grin formed on his face. His hand dropped the pencil and he stood, walking around the table and to Dan.

He wanted to scream, apologize profusely and tell him he would sharpen it, but he was just grinning and he came over and Dan wanted to move and run away but instead, he stood up. His vision clouded over and he could hardly hear over the loud ringing added to the chattering in his head.

“Want to say that again?” He barely heard it but he made out the words and Dan wanted to yell because the boy's hand was reaching towards him.

He had always had issues with people touching him, or his shoulder more specifically, especially if they had such hostility in their eyes. Dan felt a single tear pop out of his eye as his vision and consciousness faded when Tyler’s hand met Dan’s shoulder.

The boy from the table over watched as Tyler’s hand perched onto Dan’s shoulders. He looked at Dan and, strangely enough, his eyes were closed and a tear fell down his cheek. And then, suddenly, without warning, Dan’s own hand reached up for Tyler’s wrist and his eyes opened, his neutral expression being replaced by an even more evil grin than Tyler’s.

Dan’s hand squeezed Tyler’s wrist and saying Tyler was surprised was an understatement. His eyes widened comically as his wrist was squeezed painfully. Tyler moved his hand away quickly and Dan slowly let go.

“Want to try that again?” Dan mocked, and suddenly his hand turned into a tight fist, tight enough that his knuckles turned white and Phil knew that if he punched him, he would be in loads of trouble, not only with the school, but with Tyler’s friends as well. He was a well known football player and it wasn’t as though his friends were nice people.

But, before he could punch, the girl sitting next to Tyler stood and pushed Dan.

“What do you think you’re doing to him?” she asked, a bit of shock mixed into her voice. He looked at her with dead eyes, and a chill ran down the boy’s spine. He didn’t know what was happening.

And then suddenly, Dan collapsed.

\--

Dan woke up in a bed. It took him a few seconds to realize he was in the nurse’s office, judging by the uncomfortable sheets and the tiled floor. He groaned and sat up, rubbing at his eyes. To his left, a boy with black hair and blue eyes sat watching him and when Dan noticed him, he jumped.

“Jesus Christ, dude, why are you…” his voice trailed off as he looked at the boy properly.

“I brought you over to the nurse,” he said, and his baritone voice surprised Dan.

“Oh… what happened?” he asked, rubbing at his eyes once more. He leaned back against the wall and sighed deeply.

“You were about to punch Tyler but then you just… collapsed.” Dan turned to him and cocked his head to the side.

“I what? Seriously?” The boy nodded and Dan groaned and placed his head in his hands. “I can’t believe this… I’m so stupid. Why would I do that? And then I just collapsed? I’m so lame, I can’t believe I picked a fight and then collapsed. I can’t even believe it, I wouldn’t just…” The words were mumbled and hushed and once they trailed off, the boy giggled a little and Dan turned towards him. The wide smile on his face made Dan’s stomach flutter and a light pink dusted his cheeks.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Phil, and I promise standing up for yourself isn’t uncool.”


	2. you don't need to be so curious about me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just know that i wrote this while singing mcr's song 'blood' very loudly on loop so im sorry for any typos haha//  
> ALSO just in case, here's a little warning for this chapter if you're not good around things like skipping meals- Dan's told he had low blood sugar and his mom is a bit pushy by saying that he's thin and he should eat and blah blah, just a warning if that makes you uncomfortable. He doesn't have an eating disorder, don't worry about that, he's just been to distracted to eat so it shouldn't bother anyone too much :>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah!!!! Look who posted something!!!!  
> In all seriousness, i have an actual, real excuse as to why i haven't written.  
> i was hit by a car.  
> i was hit by a car and i broke the bone in my thigh so i was in the hospital for a while and i also had a surgery to set the bone back in place and fix my knee as it was dislocated so it was a bit hard to come up with the motivation to write. i was hit by a fucking drunk driver that drove a red light while i was crossing the street with my little brother! my 12 year old brother! im honestly more worried about him than me, so don't worry about me as my leg doesn't hurt as much anymore!!! i also have huge abrasions and a few bruises on my left arm so writing is a bit more tiring than it used to be so go easy on me if i don't post anything for a while again//  
> thank you all so much for the support on the first chapter and i hope this meets your expectations as well;;

Dan was at a doctor’s office. His mother picked him up from the school when he woke up and had taken him to the office that was near his house, and he had been sort of nervous when they drove to it in complete silence. So, now he was at the doctor’s office waiting for the doctor to come into the room and tell them what had happened because Dan didn’t really know either.

“Dan, what happened?” Venus asked quietly and she looked tired. Dan looked down guiltily because this was all his fault and he had no way of letting her know that he was as tired as she was with all of this.

“Sorry, I just… passed out and-”

“Hypoglycemia,” the doctor walked into the room with a clipboard and smiled warmly at them both. “Or low blood sugar. Do you think you’re prepared to answer a few questions for me, Dan?”

“Uh, no, I… yeah, I guess.” The doctor nodded and sat down. Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, hoping all of this would be over with soon.

\--

“Mom, I swear I’m alright.” Dan was beginning to get a bit annoyed now, really, but he knew his mother didn’t have any ill intentions.

“Dan, you’ve been skipping meals! That’s not alright,” she replied, taking a look at him. “You’re so thin and now you’re skipping meals-”

“It’s not intentional, I promise you. I’ve just been getting… distracted lately, really. Sorry…” In reality, Dan hadn’t really even realized that he wasn’t eating properly. Without proper memory of his everyday life, it was difficult to keep track of things he did and, honestly, he was starting to think something was wrong. Sure, he’s always known that amnesia at this level was fucking insane, and not at all normal, but he always avoided acknowledging it, talking about it. He completely did not think about what happened when he blacked out, or even tried to figure out what it meant.

“So, if that’s all, I’ll be on my way and-” As the doctor turned to leave, Dan had a moment of panic and blurted out something he hadn’t meant to.

“Wait, sorry, I, uh… I just had a question about something… Is… Sorry, I don’t know how to word this…” Dan stumbled over his words as a deep blush flared over his cheeks. He looked down as the doctor took a look at him. “Can you give me more information about amnesia?” The silence was loud, blaring into Dan’s ears and he heard nothing yet everything that nobody had said, and his heart rate sped up.

“Dan?” His mother asked, but Dan didn’t dare look up, didn’t dare even move because he knew he would burst into tears.

“...Are you experiencing amnesia?” The question was more direct than he was expecting, and his head immediately shot up on its own. He shook his head violently.

“Actually, I have been meaning to talk to someone,” Venus interrupted, giving Dan a look to shut him up, “but I think he may need some help.”

“Yeah? What’s going on?”

“Dan has been acting… off, recently, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s been this way for a while. I have done research, but the only thing I found doesn’t seem likely at all, and I have no idea where to go from here.” The room was silent.

\--

“...Oh.” That was the only response the doctor gave Venus and her anxious child. Dan sat nervously and shifted in his chair without looking up because this was all too much.

“You see, I found online something that described Dan just a little, which made some sense, except I don’t think that’s what it is at all.” The doctor nodded slowly as they wrote down on their clipboard some more things that Dan couldn’t catch a glimpse of.

“I’ve never heard anything like this before… are you sure he’s experiencing this? At this extent?” Venus looked at Dan.

“I’ve experienced times when he’s suddenly lost track of things that were happening, or just dazes out in the middle of his action or sentence. Like I said, he doesn’t always remembers things he’s done, so that’s why I think this may have something to do with amnesia…”

“To tell you the truth, there is the possibility of a few different illnesses but we’ll need to question Dan on his own. I can think of a few things, and it can be linked with different mental illnesses, but this field is not one I’m familiar in. I’ll need to recommend you to a psychiatrist that’s specialized in this area.” Venus smiled widely.

“So, he can get help?” The doctor nodded curtly.

“As soon as the cause for what’s happening to him is pinpointed.”

Dan had always had a feeling something was wrong, it was pretty fucking obvious, but he’s never tried to figure out what it was. Never asked for help besides when the cry was forced out of him. Still, the thought that maybe this would all be over, the thought that what he’s going through isn’t something unique to him, it gave him just a little bit of hope, and it terrified him.

“I’ll give you a call soon, don’t worry,” they said as they sorted through some papers with their left hand and scribbled some things down with their left.

“Thank you so much… I’m really- we’re both really grateful for your help. I’ll be watching for your call.”

Dan left the place with a packet of papers and a load of anxiety that would not go away for a very long time.

\--

Dan woke up two days later.

His alarm clock blared and he woke immediately, bolting up in his bed. His head was foggy and heavy, and he rubbed at his eyes carefully and stopped the alarm. Something felt wrong.

The feeling was familiar, and it didn’t take him very long to glance down at his watch and realize that two entire days had passed. He was used to this, he really was, but _god_ how it bothered him and _god_ how he wished he could remember what had happened.

Two days had passed, meaning it was Thursday and he missed two days of school and Dan sighed because this isn’t how things should be or even could be because how was this all possible in the first place?

The sun shone into his window so he didn’t sit in his bed for long; Dan openly resented the sun and liked the dark much more and it bothered him that the tree outside the window wasn’t big enough to block it all out, and he guessed it was sort of odd that he didn’t like the daytime sky since he absolutely hated the night sky as well.

He grabbed some clothes from his cabinets on the way out the bathroom and he slid into the bathroom quietly because he wasn’t sure if his mom was awake or not.

The water was cold but it didn’t bother Dan in the slightest- it was cold outside but he generally preferred that over heat and he didn’t feel the water that much anyways. He was too busy thinking of that boy with the fucking radioactive eyes and the smile that reminded him of the sun.

\--

On the way to school he thought.

He thought about what had happened on Monday. Things were a bit hazy, but his heart jumped when he realized that maybe he would receive the help he so obviously needed, because this was all too much and it was crawling up his throat and it was only a matter of time until he couldn’t handle it all and he vomited it out like he did in England.

He thought about what lead to him going to the hospital in the first place. He had blacked out, he knew that, but it was odd because he hadn’t done that in an entire month and _fuck_ , he thought he was making progress. That month had been the longest time in awhile and he still wasn’t certain what happened when he blacked out but it was something that nagged at him everyday because he had an idea but he had no way to accept it because it was just impossible.

He also thought about how he was going to handle school. He didn’t know if he missed school or if he had done something stupid while he was there but neither option was very satisfying to Dan. He didn’t know which one he preferred because they were both needles stuck in his side and he really wished he hadn’t moved schools.

Dan didn’t realize until he got to school that his mother should have drove him, but he didn’t hear her when he was home, so it didn’t matter anyways. She may have been sleeping, or she just wasn’t there but it wasn’t important and Dan walked through the gates of the school feeling not-important himself.

He wasn’t sure if this would be an alright day, he had no clue how this would all go.

\--

His first class went normal enough, not counting all of the people that greeted him when he entered the class. “Hey, Dan,” seemed to leave the mouth of a lot of the students and all he did was frown and sort of nod at them. He wasn’t used to this kind of thing.

Maybe he had missed school. If that was the case then the last time the school saw him he had picked a fight and then passed out, so maybe the students decided to be extra nice to him. He didn’t really have any other idea of why so many people would want to openly communicate with him, even if they felt sorry for him or something because he had made a fool of himself.

When Dan sat at his desk and set his backpack down on the floor next to him, the girl in front of him that he thought was named something like Shirlyn turned around. She smiled widely at him and leaned over the gap between their desks.

“Hey, Dan! Guess what? It worked!” Dan looked at her with a horrified look. He had no idea what she was talking about or why she was talking to him and he just wanted to ignore her but she was looking at him with such a happy expression and he didn’t know what to do.

“Uhh, I… what?” Her eyebrows furrowed just slightly but she laughed and Dan didn’t really understand what was happening.

“What you told me to tell my parents… well, it sort of worked, but I swear I’ll convince them more tomorrow, okay? So wait up for me.” Her voice was as bubbly as it was when she had first spoke to him, if not more, and Dan wasn’t expecting any interaction at all, if he was honest. Dan decided that a smile was the best option, so he managed a half-grin that wasn’t convincing in the slightest.

“Oh, okay, that’s cool…” his voice trailed off and Shirlyn looked at him, her smile falling off of her face.

“Dan, are you alright?” she asked, her voice a bit quieter than before, but he didn’t have a chance to respond when Connor tapped on his shoulder and Dan quickly snapped his head towards him. Connor smiled, leaning his face into his left hand.

“You’re still up for tomorrow, right?” he asked, and the bell rang as the teacher walked in but Dan was still confused and he had no idea what to say.

“Um, I-”

“Agendas, please.”

\--

Dan was getting that familiar feeling again.

He felt groggy, as though he had just woken up and he repeated the words don’t black out don’t black out don’t black out over and over as he tried to pay attention to what his economics teacher was saying. He passed out papers to everyone in the class (which was only about twenty students), a worksheet they were meant to fill out either with a partner or by themselves, just as long as it was finished by the end of the period and Dan picked up his pencil with his right hand, writing his name at the top in a neat sort of handwriting. Dan frowned but didn’t think anything else of it because his head was clouding over and his vision was beginning to get a bit blurry.

He took the pencil into his dominant hand- his left hand- and he filled in the date in his usually messy scrawl and his heart began to race. Suddenly his heart was pounding and there was a huge pressure in his head, and the light chattering of the rest of the class beginning to choose their partners was doing the opposite of helping.

The entire day had been odd- people were talking to him, expecting him to do the same back and he wasn’t used to this so he just sort of pretended to feel okay but it wasn’t working very well. In his first class, English, people had made conversation with him between the lectures the teacher gave out and he didn’t really engage in them but it was odd anyways. In his next class, his math class, there were no assigned seats and weirdly enough the people that sat next to him sat there on purpose and talked to him.

And then, yet another odd thing happened.

“Dan, would you want to work on this assignment with me?” He looked up to see the boy that had helped him to the nurse, the boy that had stayed with him until he woke up, the boy that had impossible blue eyes that burned into Dan’s vision and burned the back of his eyelids.

His name was Phil.

Dan would have responded quicker except his vision began to fade in and out, and he looked up at Phil with a bit of worry.

“Sorry, I…” His voice trailed off and then Dan was gone.

Phil watched him with a bit of confusion because the boy suddenly looked like he was in pain, and he quickly remembered what had happened in art class on Monday. He sauntered forward and reached out to place a hand on Dan’s shoulder. Before he could, Dan grabbed his wrist and looked up at him with fierce eyes. Phil quirked an eyebrow as a smile played on Dan’s lips. He let go of his arm and Phil let it drop to his side.

“We can work together, just don’t slack, okay? I’m not doing all the work,” he said teasingly, and Phil frowned, staring at him. Dan looked right back. “What’s wrong? Sit down,” he said, his voice a bit more timid and, if Phil was hearing correctly, it sounded a bit like plastic, a little fake, even. He didn’t question it, though, and he sat down on the seat next to Dan.

If he was honest, something felt wrong. Dan had been acting a bit odd today, he didn’t even show up at his table during lunch. He was acting sort of shy, or distant or something and Phil thought that maybe it was his fault.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, and Dan looked up from his paper.

“U-Uh, yeah, everything is cool,” he said, but he stuttered so that meant something was wrong.

“I’ll be coming around to stamp now,” the teacher said lazily as he waited at the front of the room for everyone to get out their agendas.

“I don’t think so,” Phil said, reaching out his arm towards his desk for his backpack which wasn’t too far away, “where were you today, during lunch? Chris and Pj and I were waiting.” Dan turned away to retrieve his agenda from his backpack and he opened it, setting it down on the corner of his desk so he would have room for his handout.

“I don’t know. So, I think we should skip the first question, and go straight to the second one. This is asking something more direct...” Dan said, picking up his pencil and beginning to write down an answer to the second question. “I think-”

“Dan?” Phil asked, looking at him strangely. Dan looked up.

“Yeah?”

“Aren’t you left-handed?”

Dan didn’t miss a beat, blinking up at Phil with unfazement. “No. I’m ambidextrous.” Phil frowned and took another close look at him, because it was odd he hadn’t mentioned something like that. “Anyways, so I think…” Dan began to speak again when he picked up his pencil with his right hand again and Phil wasn’t paying attention to his words, instead staring at the neat handwriting that most definitely did not match with the writing in the agenda that sat open next to Dan’s paper.

Phil took another look at Dan with confusion very clear in his face. Dan avoided his gaze as he continued to explain his thoughts and write down more letters onto the handout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case anyone is confused, after Dan returned from the doctors office an alter took over for two days and also made 'a few' friends while they attended school for Dan and then a different alter took over during his economics class when phil asked to work on the assignment with him <33


	3. you're right; i'm a wreck.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow? im alive???? who knew?? ?  
> it's been so long i am so sorry,,, i ended up writing almost all of this chapter today because i was feeling Motivated and shit and also i realized i hadn't posted anything in a while rip i am so sorry  
> there's nothing really i want to say really, i guess tw for some semi anxiety attacks near the end but close to the middle, it's not that prominent but just in case that stuff bothers you you probably shouldn't read  
> thank u all so much for being patient with me;;; also i really do appreciate comments and im happy to answer any questions you guys have about this story or anything else, either on here or on my tumblr @phan-xiety !!!! Thank you all so much <33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to Grace (@swooty-swooty-comin-4-dat-booty on tumblr) for helping me a lot with this and giving me feedback and generally just being a Really fucking good friend aaaahhh!!!!

“I guess… we’re done.” Dan nodded at Phil and gave him a tight smile, his lips pulling back only slightly as he set his pencil down. Phil nodded distractedly and looked up at the clock hanging above the teacher’s desk which was in the back of the classroom. There were just about seven minutes left of class and Phil couldn’t say he wasn’t thankful because he had been working with Dan those entire forty minutes they had all been given to complete the assignment.

Phil heard Dan sigh next to him, so he turned towards him, watching while he packed away his binder into his backpack. He had a sort of solemn look on his face and Phil wasn’t sure why that bothered him because the look he was displaying tugged at his insides and he didn’t know what he should do about it.

“What is it?” Phil asked, turning his body towards Dan. His eyes widened as he looked up at Phil, before he quickly looked down again.

“Nothing, it’s…” he took a breath and set his backpack on the floor before beginning to speak again. “Well… I have a friend that’s not doing so good. I… I told another one of my friends to look after him and make sure he eats correctly and takes care of himself, but he didn’t even pay attention to him at all! The boy ended up passing out because he hadn’t eaten and now my other friend is so sorry and he’s apologizing and he feels bad but I don’t know if I want to forgive him...” Phil listened to him as he spoke, and when he stopped talking Phil gave him a smile.

“It doesn’t seem like he did it on purpose though, right?” he asked. Dan sighed and shook his head.

“No, but the thing is, I also told another friend of mine to keep him relaxed and help him enjoy himself… I told him specific things that he shouldn’t do and he did all of those things and now others expect something of the boy that’s not doing good when they shouldn’t. It just gets me so worked up, I mean, I told him not to do those things, and yet-!” As he got more and more worked up the bell rang at the exact moment Dan realized he was rambling. His eyes widened. “Oh, I’m so sorry…”

He picked up his backpack from the floor where he had set it down and Phil smiled at him widely, even though Dan wasn’t facing him anymore.

“It’s okay, Dan.” Dan’s head snapped up when he said his name, and his eyes seemed to harden a little, but Phil wasn’t sure if he was imagining the way his eyebrows furrowed in the slightest way or how his cheeks had turned a bit pink.

“Yeah,” Dan said as he stood and slung his backpack over his shoulders. He left the classroom without another word, leaving Phil confused and a bit tired.

-

“Dan? What’s wrong?”

Everything hit Dan with a quick blow and he opened his eyes and jumped up to see a teacher he hadn’t yet met. He looked at her with wide eyes and she looked back with a look of clear confusion, which was at this point not uncommon in the slightest.

He looked at her for a few more seconds before blinking and looking down at his watch. He sighed in semi-relief when he realized that only about an hour had passed, meaning he was probably in his piano class. He hadn’t been to this class yet, but he was sure that because of what he’d just done his teacher’s impression of him had changed. She’d think that he was a distraction and kick him out, maybe even let the principal know of his misdoings and Dan looked around the room with fear. He at least wanted to know what he had been doing before he came to.

He looked down to see he was standing above a keyboard, and the lights were on, meaning he had probably been playing just before he opened his eyes. He looked up at the teacher quickly and sat down on the bench he was sure he was previously on.

Dan began to panic when the teacher didn’t leave and kept staring at him, because she probably wanted an explanation and he also realized with huge mortification that he didn’t remember her name.

To be fair, it was his first time seeing her and it was his first time experiencing this classroom for himself so he just looked at her with scared eyes and she seemed to stare back with an owl of a look, as though she was looking right through him with her big brown eyes that were hidden, disguised, almost, by her big framed glasses.

“I- I’m really sorry I interrupted, uh, whatever was happening, uh…” he looked at her with a frustrated look, glancing down at the lanyard hanging around her neck that he hoped had her ID hanging from it. His eyes lit up as he spoke in tangled words, “Ms. Barnes!”

She gave him a quizzical look and raised an eyebrow while Dan shifted nervously under what seemed like a scrutinizing gaze. Dan looked back to the sheet music on the keyboard, and he quickly realized that he had probably been playing that music and that he should probably continue.

He took a small breath before starting at the beginning of the sort of whimsical tune, sight reading along because he’d never played this music before. He made a few mistakes, but played over them with a more cheery note than the last because that was how he expressed himself, something he couldn’t quite do when he spoke. He pressed down on the keys soft but confidently, keeping his eyes on the sheet music but also on his fingers.

Suddenly, a bell rang and Dan quickly stopped playing, packing up all of the materials around him that he thought were his. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and stood, turning to face Ms. Barnes. He had forgotten she was there, in all honesty, so seeing her perplexed look might have made him jump the tiniest bit if he hadn’t just finished playing the piano, because the piano always helped him keep a level head.

“Uh, yes?” he asked, looking over her shoulder towards the door. She shook her head and moved out of his way, still staring at him in an odd manner.

“That was amazing, you have so many styles of playing I wouldn’t have even guesses it was still you,” she said quietly once he began walking, and he didn’t pause to question her even though his shoulders stiffened and his face flared up. He quickly walked through the door without taking a look back. He was lucky this was his last class.

\--

When Dan arrived home, he slipped through the door as quietly as he could manage, in case his mother was sleeping. He closed the door silently and set his backpack on the floor in the hallway, knowing that that was a pet peeve of his mother but leaving it there anyways. He had had a long day.

He looked into the kitchen when he passed by, and then glanced in the living room before coming to an abrupt stop. He saw his mother sitting on the couch with her back towards him, the phone pressed closely to her ear. He turned and began to walk in to greet her when he heard what was being said.

“He needs help. As soon as possible.” The words were hushed, and Dan wasn’t sure if it was because she was being cautious of him or if she was just speaking that way on instinct, because he hadn’t really made any noises when he entered so she shouldn’t have known he was home. He took a step further to hear better. “That, I am sure of. Listen, he’s not him and it’s worrying me a lot, so I need a doctor as soon as possible… yes, I understand, but you need to understand that my baby needs help. He needs help and _you aren’t giving it to him_.”

Dan’s heart began to thump so loudly in his ears that he couldn’t hear what his mother was saying anymore, and he was afraid that maybe Venus would hear the thump too and turn to look at him with her all-knowing glance that seemed to know everything that was going on in his head. He left the doorway with a huge buzzing in his chest and he felt as though his legs and his entire body was on fire.

He opened his door and shut it without thinking and jumped onto his bed with the buzzing continuing. He shut his eyes and breathed deeply; he needed help, just like his mother said, he wasn’t himself and he needed help and he didn’t know what to fucking do.

His eyes closed tightly as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

\--

“Dan!” Dan turned to look behind him as the girl from his English class jogged up to him. He winced and stopped walking, waiting for her to catch up.

The entire day had been a mess, really, and he really wanted to be alone but there was no way he could just ignore her.

“Dan, can we talk?” she asked, and Dan nodded at her with a wary look. “We can go outside. I want to have a private conversation with you.” She smirked and Dan flinched, backing up and slamming into somebody behind him. He heard a thud, and he spun around to see a boy with black hair sprawled on the floor. His eyes widened when the boy looked up at him and Dan saw blue, just blue and everything was spinning. There was food splayed on his chest along with a tray next to him and he had to help, so he went to help him but the girl behind him pulled on his arm and tugged him towards the doors.

“Uh, hold on, I…” All the girl did was tug on his hand harder and Dan turned his head to look over his shoulder, taking another look at the boy that was still sitting on the ground, gazing at him as he was dragged away. Dan frowned and turned back towards the girl and realized they had reached the door that lead to the back of the building, where, surely, no one would be hanging around. At the very least, he hoped, because he wasn’t in the mood for making more awkward eye contact.

When they had finally stopped, they weren’t too far from the doors and Dan was kind of exhausted and a bit guilty that he had just left the boy on the floor covered in the food he made him drop, because he knocked him over due to the fact that he wasn’t really used to people talking to him at all and he figured it wasn’t really his fault but if he was braver he would’ve pulled his hand harshly from the girl's grasp and walked back to help the boy.

The girl- Shirlyn?- leaned her back against a wall and slid down to sit with her knees tucked into her chest; she gave him a smile and pat the floor next to her. Dan thought for a moment before sitting down, not as close to her as she had patted but she didn’t mention it. They sat in silence for only a few seconds before Dan turned to face the girl and she gave him a bright smile.

“Remember what I told you yesterday? I did tell my parents some more and they are doing their own research too and I’m so happy because you were the one that helped me come up with how to say it, thank you so much, Dan.” It all came out in a jumbled rush and she tripped over a few words but her voice was genuine and it was strange to Dan how different the happy expression on her face was to the one he had seen inside the school just a minute ago. He gave her a small smile and didn’t let the confusion on his face show because he didn’t have any idea as to what she was referring to.

“Uh, I… that’s great, but I don’t really…” his voice trailed off and Shirlyn looked at him. She frowned a bit but kept a smile on her face through it all.

“Yeah? Don’t really what?” Dan turned to look down at his hands which were fumbling together on his lap nervously.

“What did I… what did I tell you to say, exactly?” he asked, and her eyes widened and the smile fell off her face.

“Oh… Oh, I didn’t think you would forget, I’m sorry, I’m confusing you, right?” She gave him a forced smile. “You… I, I told you that I was bisexual when we were talking on Wednesday after school and you were just so accepting, I didn’t think you would forget that, and then I told you I was worrying about my parents and you helped-” Dan couldn’t listen anymore, couldn’t even if he tried because the blood was thumping in his ears so loudly and he couldn’t do this anymore. He stood abruptly and turned away, he couldn’t keep doing this.

This was something so important to her and yet he forgot it- how could he forget something like this?! He was so stupid, he didn’t know what was wrong with him and the sound of the wind blowing in his ears as he ran was so overwhelming and there was grass all around him now, it was enveloping him but not in a soothing hug, instead suffocating the air out of his lungs and he was fucking tired of this.

He had forgotten something that meant so much to someone, and all he could see was her disappointed face as the sky above him began to spin and the smell of soil underneath him was harsh, attacking him in a way he hadn’t felt before and he couldn’t tell if the buzzing in his ears was the bugs in the trees he could hardly make out or his heart still thumping in chest or something else.

_And you think leaving her was the best option? Are you a literal idiot, Dan? Go back!_

The smooth, high voice that sounded so full of emotion made Dan sit upright, the tears flowing from his eyes and down onto his cheeks and shirt and arms and the buzzing was getting stronger, the spinning faster.

“Dan?” Everything seemed to stop all at once; suddenly everything was silent and all he heard was the rustle of the leaves of the tree he could clearly see in front of him. He blinked. He turned to look over his shoulder and there Phil was, his backpack slung over his shoulders and his eyes filled with an odd look of worry.

“...Phil…” Dan’s voice cracked and rasped against his throat, his eyes widening as Phil stepped closer.

“Are you alright? What is it?” Phil walked closer to him and sat down in front of him, causing Dan more confusion, but he had no idea how to comprehend the situation he was currently in as he could barely form a coherent thought.

“Oh, I… uh, I, I’m sorry, I need to go,” Dan said in a hoarse voice as he took a look at his watch. It was only about twenty minutes since the bell had gone off, signalizing lunch, which left him with just about ten more and he wasn’t really sure what was going on anymore. When Dan moved to stand up, Phil took a hold of his arm.

“We can stay here.” Phil smiled at Dan and it was almost too much for him to handle, really, because he was sure he was about to burst into tears right there.

Those thoughts quickly reminded Dan of the tears that were previously falling down his face in streams and he reached up to quickly wipe it all away. He buried his face in his hands and rubbed harshly and this was all too much, he was going to break down again right in front of Phil, he was sure of it-

“What are you doing here? Where’s your backpack?” The questions stopped Dan from thinking anything else that would result in any more tears and when his words sunk in, Dan looked around him and realized he was sitting in the grass near the parking lot. He couldn’t see his backpack anywhere, all he saw was grass and trees and the sun glaring down at him but he ignored it and looked back at Phil.

“I- I was just walking around and I guess I dropped my backpack or something…” He was a horrible liar because he hated how the false words seemed to spill out of his mouth and he always regretted it but he lied anyways and just hoped Phil wouldn’t call him out on it.

He didn’t. “What about the girl you were with? Shirlyn, I think? I’m pretty sure she’s in my orchestra class.” Dan’s stomach churned at the mention of her name, and then he remembered the voice that had told him to go back.

He stood up immediately and looked at Phil for only second before turning away and beginning to walk quickly.

“What, where are you going?” he heard Phil ask, but he dismissed his question with a quick glance at him and a wave of his hand.

“I think I remember where I left my backpack. I’m sorry, I… I’ll talk to you later,” he mumbled, and then he turned back and continued walking.

When Dan arrived to the place he had been sitting with Shirlyn, he was surprised to see that she was still there, her face hung low and facing the floor and Dan had a nagging feeling to just turn around and walk away before she spotted him. Instead, he tightened his fist and sat down besides her and his backpack that he hadn’t yet noticed.

Shirlyn looked up at him and her eyes widened and she smiled just slightly. Dan looked away quickly, tangling his hands together.

“I’m sorry I did that… you know, just… sorry that I ran away, it was a bit weird for me because I didn’t realize that you had- that you had trusted me enough to tell me that and then I was stupid enough to forget and I-”

Shirlyn cut him off with a wide smile and glistening eyes. “Dan, it’s okay. Thank you for coming back, thank you so much.”

\--

When the bell rang, Dan took all of his time, more time than necessary, to pack up his things. His next class was economics, which meant he would have to see Phil again, and while it seemed like he liked his presence a lot, his stomach seemed to twist around him very often and he didn’t like that feeling. It was new, and maybe even a bit warm and it really shouldn’t matter but he was nervous and anxious. This was all so new to him, even though he should be used to the things that made him scared.

Dan took his seat, grateful that it was a Friday anyways. He just hoped his stomach would stay calm and collected this time.

\--

Dan arrived at his house in a sort of detached mood, and he wasn’t really sure what to think of the fact that the refrigerator door was open and his mother was nowhere in sight. He shut the refrigerator and looked around the living room and every other room that was on the first floor before climbing up the stairs and calling her name.

“Mom?” he asked in a hesitant tone. He first decided to check her room and when he knocked on the door and there was no answer, he opened it.

The sight of his mother curled up in a ball on the floor next to her bed shaking immediately sent a panicked sign to his brain. His eyes widened as he entered the room and ran towards her, kneeling down on the floor next to her.

“Mom? What is it, what’s wrong?!” Dan said with all of the power he could muster and before he could say or do anything else Venus turned her body and hugged him for the first time in what felt like ages.

It was a warm hug but it was tight and squeezing the breath out of him and Dan coughed before speaking again, softer this time. “What’s wrong?” He curled his arm around her body as a sob escaped her throat.

“Nothing, there’s nothing wrong, Dan,” she said, but the words didn’t seem to cooperate with her tongue and she choked back another sob. “Dan, you’re getting the help you need. The doctor called me, they called me and you’ve been put on the waiting list to a special clinic near here. Dan, you’re- you’re going to get better, I promise you,” she said, and suddenly Dan heard the happiness in the words she spoke, even if she stuttered a little and her voice shook.

Dan took a deep breath and tightened his grip on her. She really didn’t deserve a son that was so clearly fucked up.


End file.
